The worst moment ever!

Writing this is very difficult for me, mainly because of the embarrassment! I don't know why I feel the need to share this on a blog... but I do. I think it might be cathartic to some extent and maybe it will help my friends who read it. I hope those are both right.

Yesterday afternoon, Topher finished eating his 3 o'clock feeding- he did an awesome job, by the way, and while I was cleaning up, Topher fell. Topher was sitting in his Bumbo on the table and he saw the grocery bag we had used earlier in the day sitting on the edge of the table, and I can only assume he went reaching for it and bam! I still cannot shake the image of my poor baby laying on the kitchen floor screaming. My back was turned for literally seconds. As some of you know, my entire house is ceramic tile, so this could have ended really bad. I scooped him up and called 911. I was able to keep my cool enough to tell them what happened, and although Topher was still screaming, I remained calm. I just kept praying that he be alright. Crying was a good thing I kept telling myself. 911 said that help was on the way and by that time, Topher had stopped crying. Moments later Ryan pulled up in the drive way, I was still holding Topher, who was obviously shaken, but calm. I began to cry hysterically, and then Topher did too. Within seconds a policeman and the fire fighters arrived. They examined Topher and assessed the situation. Everyone was calm and over and over again assuring me that this happens all the time.
The firefighters and the police officer thought that there was no real need to worry, he didn't throw up, pass out, and he wasn't acting abnormal. But when the paramedics came, Ryan and I decided that we wanted to go to the hospital. Topher and I rode in the ambulance and Ryan followed. We were seen at UNMH by a med student, a resident, and the attending and all of them said that Topher seemed fine, except for the bump on his head. They were concerned with the bump because it was on the side of his head, and even though all other signs of trauma were not present, the bump was. We hung around for a while, but Topher started acting hungry, so with the doctor's blessings we took Topher home.
Ryan and I continued to observe Topher, and even woke him up a few times during the night. Of course, I slept in his room, and Ryan slept on the couch outside Topher's room. I found so much comfort every time he stirred in the night and I could hear him snore or exhale. It was a very long night, I probably got up and checked him 4 or 5 times, and who knows how many times I woke to hear his breathing.
Anyway, Ryan took the day off today. I just couldn't think of staying at home with Topher alone. I am so scared. I fell like a total failure and a horrible mother. I don't know how I am ever going to trust myself with him. One paramedic said that this was Topher's first of many experiments with gravity and I know that is true. I know these things happen... and it is because of God's wisdom that children are made so resilient... but this is having a huge effect on me.

If you read this, that means you care about Topher, Ryan, and me... so I ask that right now you please say a little prayer for this little Porter family- We... I... need it!