The worst moment ever!

Writing this is very difficult for me, mainly because of the embarrassment! I don't know why I feel the need to share this on a blog... but I do. I think it might be cathartic to some extent and maybe it will help my friends who read it. I hope those are both right.

Yesterday afternoon, Topher finished eating his 3 o'clock feeding- he did an awesome job, by the way, and while I was cleaning up, Topher fell. Topher was sitting in his Bumbo on the table and he saw the grocery bag we had used earlier in the day sitting on the edge of the table, and I can only assume he went reaching for it and bam! I still cannot shake the image of my poor baby laying on the kitchen floor screaming. My back was turned for literally seconds. As some of you know, my entire house is ceramic tile, so this could have ended really bad. I scooped him up and called 911. I was able to keep my cool enough to tell them what happened, and although Topher was still screaming, I remained calm. I just kept praying that he be alright. Crying was a good thing I kept telling myself. 911 said that help was on the way and by that time, Topher had stopped crying. Moments later Ryan pulled up in the drive way, I was still holding Topher, who was obviously shaken, but calm. I began to cry hysterically, and then Topher did too. Within seconds a policeman and the fire fighters arrived. They examined Topher and assessed the situation. Everyone was calm and over and over again assuring me that this happens all the time.
The firefighters and the police officer thought that there was no real need to worry, he didn't throw up, pass out, and he wasn't acting abnormal. But when the paramedics came, Ryan and I decided that we wanted to go to the hospital. Topher and I rode in the ambulance and Ryan followed. We were seen at UNMH by a med student, a resident, and the attending and all of them said that Topher seemed fine, except for the bump on his head. They were concerned with the bump because it was on the side of his head, and even though all other signs of trauma were not present, the bump was. We hung around for a while, but Topher started acting hungry, so with the doctor's blessings we took Topher home.
Ryan and I continued to observe Topher, and even woke him up a few times during the night. Of course, I slept in his room, and Ryan slept on the couch outside Topher's room. I found so much comfort every time he stirred in the night and I could hear him snore or exhale. It was a very long night, I probably got up and checked him 4 or 5 times, and who knows how many times I woke to hear his breathing.
Anyway, Ryan took the day off today. I just couldn't think of staying at home with Topher alone. I am so scared. I fell like a total failure and a horrible mother. I don't know how I am ever going to trust myself with him. One paramedic said that this was Topher's first of many experiments with gravity and I know that is true. I know these things happen... and it is because of God's wisdom that children are made so resilient... but this is having a huge effect on me.

If you read this, that means you care about Topher, Ryan, and me... so I ask that right now you please say a little prayer for this little Porter family- We... I... need it!

Topher "crawling" backwards

This little guy is getting so mobile... here he is moving backwards. The camera is stationary and he moves further and further away. It's cute!

Topher "talking"

I just had to grab the camera and get Topher singing and talking when he got up from his nap. He is so cute. Just wanted to share!

One big boy!

Hey there friends and family, I really should be doing some reading for school and cleaning of my oh-so-messy house, but I've decided to write a quick blog about my 5 month old! I cannot believe how quickly time is flying!

Topher has not had an official weigh in since I took him to the doc a few weeks ago for his little cold, but according to my home scale, he is over 16 lbs! Of course, whenever I use the scale, it's alwasy 5 pounds off! Weird, huh? Anyways, he is getting so big and so much fun to play with. We started Topher on rice and oat cereal about two weeks ago and he is getting the hang of it, kinda! he loves to take a bite and then spit if out with his tongue! It makes a great, fun noise and it's a lot of fun when it gets all over mommy's face! We have yet to finish a whole bowl of cereal while Topher is sitting in his chair, he begins to move too much and drool and put his hands in his mouth, and so most of the time he is in my lap! I know, BAD MOMMA! But, he is getting the hang of taking bites and swallowing. It's amazing to think about all the new tastes he is about to discover.

He is discovering a lot with his hands now. He is reaching for things like toys and bottles, and the other day he reached for me for the first time! It was sp precious! HE DOES LIKE ME! I believe he is getting a little separation anxiety, which is difficult. When I put him down to play or swing, if I leave the room, he gets a little upset. I am conflicted witht he idea that he is just a baby and i am his caregiver so of course when separated, he is going to feel fear and the idea that we live in America where autonomy is taught and desired. I want a strong and independent child, but when is it too young to begin that lesson? Other cultures, child are rarley seperated from their moms the first year! It's an interesting journey!

Anyway, we are looking forward to Topher's first Easter. I want to get him a cute little Easter outfit and of course Daddy wants one too! I hope I don't end up with two clothes horses! Topher is also going to meet Grandpa Frank and Grandma Di for the first time over the Easter weekend, we are all looking forward to that! It is going to be a great time!

So, here are some pictures of the cutest baby in the world!

Sweet love!

Loves soccer already!

He would make a great baby model!

Doesn't really understand why feeding from a spoon is happening!

Dada, help!

Baby Dedication pictures!

Finally! Here are some pictures from Topher's Baby Dedication. Thank you, Montgomery! We had a wonderful time!

This is Ryan and I trying to explain to Toph that we were going to dedicate him and his walk with the Lord!

You can see by his response, he was very excited about it!

Topher's slide:

Proud Parents

He started to need a little entertaining! Good thing there is a Daddy!

He was ready for lunch!

Daddy does his portion too!

It was a great day!

Valentine's love

This was one of the most special Valentine's ever... and it had nothing to do with the sweet rose or even the awesome new tote, but it had to do with the love that I felt on Sunday. Sunday was Baby Dedication Day at church! We got to spend the most 'romantic' day of the year celebrating the newest love in our life. The church showered each new baby with prayer and a promise to be their in their walk with the Lord. I enjoyed seeing all the babies that will grow and be Topher's friends and hopefully in the youth group with him. How special. The friends I made at church are still some of the best friends I will ever have! And, it was double special since YoMa, Granna, and PopA got to come and see!

It is so hard to believe that it was a year ago on Valentine's that Ryan and I were sharing the news with the Newton side of the family that we were expecting! I was just beginning my journey as a mother and now I have a 4 1/2 month old! TIME FLIES!

It was such a special day and I loved every minute of it! Of course, I don't have pictures since I was holding Topher at the front of the church, but as soon as I get them from Granna I will be sure to share!

To all of you who read this... I love you. I blessed by you and thank you for being in my life, and for loving me too! Happy Heart Day!

4 months

Topher Van Sol is 4 months old and I cannot get over how much he has changed. He is growing and moving and learning so much everyday! We had his 4 month check up last Monday and it went great. He is 14.4lbs and 26 1/4 inches long... He is TALL! I already knew that... his clothes fit his tummy, but aren't long enough! And of course his head is growing perfectly... well, everything but his hair!

The doctor said that his social skills are wonderful. She loved to see him interact with her and sit on my lap with support. She said that it was great that he reacted to her talking and when she would look away, he would coo or do something to get her attention back! Those are all things she was looking for. He still has a lot of dry skin on his head... so I grease him up a lot!

Probably the best part is when she used the word "advanced" when we told her Topher was rolling over! I loved it! I need to not take as much pride in things like that... because even if he didn't roll... he is still healthy and happy!

These past few weeks have been weird with his sleep. He is still sleeping through the night with the exception of 4 am. He wakes, cries, and goes back to sleep. We think he might be going through a growth spurt, so we are going to give him another feeding during the day and see how that goes. We are going to start solids in another two weeks or so!

Topher got to visit with Sam and Bruce a few weeks ago and I hope he didn't spoil them with his cool, calm self. He didn't cry at all when they were here and didn't really give them a clear picture of how loud babies can be! But I hope their little one is as comfortable with company as Topher is! Topher is still going to see Gina every Thursday while I go to school and going to Bible class! He is such a loved baby! I am looking forward to Baby Dedication next Sunday!

Well, little man is calling...

Topher at 4 months. Dressed by Daddy! "I want him to be tough"